Between Tourist and Native: My Dance with NYC's Identity

A week and 100,000 steps later, I’m here to admit that I was way too quick to complain about the absence of Taylor Swift’s songs in the background music of New York City. In the seven days I've been here, I have been to banks playing Speak Now TV and Midnights. I've been to discount marts playing Red TV. I've passed by pedicabs playing 'Gorgeous' from Lover. And at each of those instances, I have had a huge grin appear on my face. At places where I CAN vibe to these songs, I've hummed to the tunes. At others, I have INTERNALLY bopped to them. (Maybe I should also admit early on that I will never meet/see her in person so I'm proven wrong once again. Just a thought👀) (Also, fair warning - I DO make a lot of Taylor Swift references. I will continue to do so. And I am NOT guilty :))

I'm here to also admit that the fact that 'I am in New York City' has still not hit me. I've been waiting for it to happen every time I have come across something that was on my "want to see/witness/experience" list. If the 'fact' was a pole, you could say I have dodged it every time. The times that I have been really close to the pole and have almost succeeded in colliding with it, I have been pulled back by some invisible force/being who seems to be unwilling to let me have the "I'm just taking it all in" moment - a phone call or a notification or an "it's time to leave and get back home" reminder. It's frustrating because I've tried every trick in the book that might help me bang my head into the said pole, and still haven't succeeded. (this metaphor sounded WAY better in my mind ><)

I visited Times Square, THE place to get that NYC feeling, and for a moment, I was frozen. Like I've seen that place on my TV a thousand times, but in person ..... it was like being transported to a simulation. I finally thought that this is it - it was coming. The pole is approaching and I'll dive head-first into it. I tried to soak in the views. I tried to stop and stare. I tried to memorize the feeling. And I almost was about to tear up because I was so overwhelmed but that damn invisible force, this time in the form of "it's time to go" pulled me back again. And another failed attempt was recorded. 

Okay. Fine. I switched on my "never stop trying" attitude and decided to walk 70 streets ALONE, passing by some of the most notable NYC attractions. I headed towards 5th Avenue and walked from 40th Street to 110th Street. 5th Avenue. THE 5th Avenue. The one with all the BIG and FAMOUS stores - Tiffinay & Co., Bvlgari, Burberry, Apple Store. The one where Rockefeller Center resides, The Plaza resides, and St. Patrick's Cathedral resides. I walked from Central Park South all the way up to Central Park North, passing by the FRIENDS fountain, Central Park Zoo, and the Central Park Mall. All the places I had been dreaming of visiting. Technically, I should have been shrieking with excitement. But I went numb. I just walked and walked and walked. Head up, admiring the architecture. Watching the natives and tourists while waiting for the signal to let me walk, and trying to tell them apart. Trying to figure out if I myself was a native or if I was a tourist. 

The thing is, I don't want to feel like I'm a tourist. Because I am not here as a tourist. I am here as a student. But how can someone NOT roam around and marvel at everything New York has to offer and NOT feel like a tourist? I tried not to visit all the "attractions" at once. I familiarized myself with the streets, avenues, subway routes, stores, and neighborhoods to get the "I belong here" feeling. I bought groceries, cooked food, visited banks, and cursed the Amazon people for not delivering a mattress for me to sleep on (not literally but yeah) - the things one would do in a place where they "live" and are not just "visiting". Maybe that's the reason it's not hitting me. Maybe it's not supposed to hit me. Maybe, I'm not here to get overwhelmed by the "City that never sleeps" but am here to fit into it like I belong here. 

In these "maybes" and 100k steps, I have had moments of extreme socialization as well as pure solitude. I've been out in a group and I've explored my neighborhood alone. I've been out for entire days and I've locked myself up in my apartment on some. To have experiences in a group, I've taken time by myself to recharge my social energy and process the multitude of changes happening in my life. But I've never processed them all the way through. As soon as the realization gets "too real," I get up, put on my shoes, and leave for a walk. I might walk the same streets each time, but the things that go through my mind are always different. Is this what moving to NYC does to a person? (making them feel confused and overwhelmed) or this is just what adulting feels like and I'm just making a huge blog post out of it for content? Who's to say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Adios amigos!

~ vee🗽