New York, It’s Not You, It’s… Actually, No, It’s Definitely You

Alright. Travel anxiety, check. Making a run through the airport to the boarding gate even though we have like 90 minutes till boarding - check. Overpriced coffee and our last Boston Kreme donut from Dunkin’ while we wait to board the plane - check. Airport snap - check. Take off, done. One movie down. Tea and the Delta Biscoff cookie - consumed. Satiated. Let’s give this blog a third try? Sure. 

I’ve said my goodbyes too many times. On the 31st of December when I was flying home for a month and would have directly flown back to Seattle. On the 26th of January when I was boarding a train to Long Island after my unplanned extra week of stay in New York City because my trip to home was cut short. And then again, on the 30th of January, when I had to visit the city one last time to courier boxes from my last apartment in New York to my new apartment in Seattle. So yes, there have been two versions of this blog already but neither of them seem to reflect the complex chaos of emotions my heart and my head have been experiencing this last one month. I’m gonna try this one last time and hope that this one does justice because this time, the goodbye is for real. like very real. No “return ticket” for New York on our calendar. 📆 

When I landed in New York City on the 8th of August in 2023, I never imagined that I’ll have to someday leave this city too. My naive self thought that I’ll get a job here since my university is here and I’ll spend all my years in the US, in New York itself. In the summer, when I got an internship in Seattle, I was terrified at the though of leaving New York for even three months. I knew I’ll be coming back for at least another semester but missing out on spending three whole months in my city made me extremely sad. I tried to convince myself saying I’ll put my heart and soul and work my hardest to get a Full Time Job in New York. But life had other plans and I ended up getting a full time job in Seattle too. 

In the current market, getting a job is considered a blessing. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the job and I have thanked all the Gods above for making it happen for me. But as I tried to celebrate my achievement, I just couldn’t do it, not with my whole heart at least. The first thing I blurted out when I opened my inbox to an offer letter wasn’t “Oh my god yayy!! I have a job!! My first ever big girl job.” It was “Oh. I’ll be leaving New York like forever?” The people I shared this news with were visibly annoyed at my reaction, as they should have been. In fact, I was annoyed by my own reaction too. Who in their right minds would have a sad first reaction to a freaking job in a big tech company?? My head understands that but my heart is still grieving. The worst part is, it’s grieving alone.

There are reasons that I can not properly put into words when it comes to answering the “What is it about you and your obsession with New York huh?” I’ve had people make fun of me for this and I’ve had people get frustrated with my constant mention of New York City. So I’ve tried to keep a lot of things to myself when it comes to this topic. I haven’t mentioned to anyone how sad I am about leaving. I didn’t share that I almost cried a few days ago while walking on a packed street in midtown and had to force myself to smile wide so that the tears don’t fall. In fact, I’ve trained my brain to smile when feeling overwhelmed so well that it has become an automatic reflex at this point! No one knows that I’m writing all of this with tears in my eyes making my vision blurry and causing me to make a ton of spelling errors. Funny, how I arrived in a cab from JFK to Manhattan with tears in my eyes and I’m leaving the same way too.

So, in the true novice newyorker fashion, I spent my last few days in the city, the way I spent the last 17 months here. I walked to my campus and sat in the library one last time, took a stroll along riverside drive and Central Park in the frigid cold one last time, tried an aesthetic cafe and a famous New York slice one last time, pretended to be a tourist to get a free Hersheys bar at Times Square one last time, people watched while exploring the streets of West Village one last time, went to pier 35 to see the Brooklyn Bridge while listening to Mitwa one lat time and took the Subway followed by the bus, you guessed it, one last time. 

The next time I set my foot here, I’ll be “visiting” for a few days or be “in the city for graduation.” I will be living in a hotel or a hostel or crashing at a friend’s apartment and won’t have “my NYC apartment.” I won’t be able to participate in any and every crazy activity that happens every day in the city. I’ll go back to watching NYC walking videos and I’ll start saving reels for “one day when I’m hopefully in NYC (again)”

A little too over dramatic? So be it. A little too obsessive? So. Be. It. The person I have grown to become after moving to New York is what I’m most grateful for and if expressing my rawest feelings of separation anxiety gets me a few funny looks, I’ll happily take that. Because as I was boarding my flight today at JFK, I was constantly moving around and keeping myself distracted to delay this “confrontation of feelings” part which I knew was coming sooner or later. And hence I didn’t even get a chance to sit back at the airport and make sense of all my thoughts. Had I given those few minutes to myself, this blog would have been a LOT less melodramatic.

As I sit on this very turbulent flight on my way to the emerald city (literally) I’m finally ready to bid my farewell to New York and prepare myself (mentally) for a new chapter of my life. Who knows, as my very good friend says, I might find this new city more to my liking. It might speak to me more and I might cherish the experiences and challenges that I am presented here. After all, I am someone who longs to live life to the fullest and romanticize every bit possible so if I have a chance at having the time of my life in a city that is not New York, I’ll embrace it wholeheartedly. 

If you’re still here, you’ve already read A LOT so thank you. What comes next on this blog? Well a mix of my new experiences and the old ones which I never had the time to write about while I was having them. I can assure you that they will be more fun and not so emo. Until next time (from a new city!)

~ vee 🗽