August 13, 2024 - “a day in New York”

Today morning, in the 7 train. On my way to Manhattan from Long Island, I was getting butterflies because of the anticipation of returning  to the chaos after 12 long weeks. I know it sounds ridiculous and I need to stop being so overdramatic about this but the thing is, and I’ve come to realize it now, that I’m wayyyy too scared of letting people in. Into my life, into my friend list, and into my past. I am scared of getting attached to people because everyone I’ve ever been attached to before closing off has left me for some reason or another. And ever since then, I’ve been trying to find someone who wants to break these walls and come in. No one’s tried yet. No one’s willing yet. Some, I’ve hoped would want to but  me wanting won’t make them want it too right? So since I can’t find people to get attached to, I instead get attached to places. Places that make me feel welcome. Places where I don’t have to pretend to fit in. Places where I can just be. And the only place that I’ve found so far that checks these boxes is New York City. I’m sitting in Central Park alone for the better part of an hour and I feel like I’m home. I feel content and I feel calm and I feel happy even. I wanted to make the most of today because I’ve been away for three months and I’m going away for one more. And as much as I am elated to go back to my actual home, somehow leaving this place isn’t sitting right with me. On my way back those butterflies are gonna be replaced with a sinking feeling. And I can’t do anything about it. I know this is not gonna last forever. This being me living in New York. But sometimes I wish that it could. I just had to blurt this out to make room for a dollar slice that I’m gonna devour on my way to Penn. bye for now.